So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I enjoy the company of your penis
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
