Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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