Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the condom got lost in my hair
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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