I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
