I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
