I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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