Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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