Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
