I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Floor bacon is actually really good
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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