Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
