if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
