Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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