Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
