We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
