the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
