You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
