3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
