well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
