Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
