did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
