Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
