You made me cry and you don't even care
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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