My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
