Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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