Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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