Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like eating out sand paper
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
