Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
