put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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