First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
