I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
