she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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