he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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