I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
