She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
