I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
