you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
