I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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