Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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