I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
