allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
