Your tits are I can't wait for
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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