At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
