I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
