She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
