I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
