you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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