i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
