I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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