the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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