i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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