I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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