meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
