On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just invented taco cereal.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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