Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
