I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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