dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
