I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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