Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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