my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
