Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
