i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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