I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
