You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Porn is love you can see.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize