So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize