don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
