Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
